:::2003-12-06-12:07 p.m.:::

I just remembered something. I was so focused in my pain, that I didn't notice his pain.

Yesterday, I was interrogating g(x) about his love life, and I was killing myself inside. And so he told the story of his frustration. I asked him what her name was, and he couldn't even tell me, because he was afraid that maybe, I know her.

And he put his arms on the table and rested his head on it, not facing anyone, facing the floor.

"Pero alam mo, trip trip lang yun dati e..."

And he left my side to go to my friend's side, where he lay on her lap and closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. My friend told me that I shouldn't have interrogated him about that, because he's reminded of something. I was afraid that he got mad.

The first time I said sorry, he said "Okay na, okay na. Wag niyo akong tingnan." Because our gazes were fixed on him.

But afterwards, he was back to his makulit self, professing his awe at my alleged intelligence, and stuff like that.

But I would never forget that agonized whisper.

Oh my god... g(x)... Kung ako na lang sana ang minahal mo...

I feel so sorry for him. I guess that's why I let go.

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:::2003-12-06-11:09 a.m.:::

As if to augment my agony, my WinAmp plays "Let Me Be The One" by Jimmy Bondoc. Really, I have never really appreciated this song before today.

Anyway, so enough cheese. I should be happy right now, because I've said goodbye to him and all.

This is the beginning of love. Love that will stagnate. It's cliche, but I've never felt this way before. Because this time, I'm not being a martyr. I'm doing this out of sheer hopelessness. And helplessness.

Punta akong Bulong mamaya. Poetry reading-slash-performance art-slash-concert siya. Kasama sina Dianne at Riezl at Jox. Hahaha tripping to! Happy happy joy joy.

I'm reading Belinda by Anne Rice [writing as Anne Rampling] right now. In this novel, everybody sleeps with everybody, and everybody's bisexual.

Pretty nice novel. Pretty nice story. I miss my McNaught books, though. But that's trash.

Pansin ko lang, nageenglish ako pag extreme emotion na talaga nararamdaman ko. Which kinda enforces what a clairvoyant friend told me once: I'm an American in my past life.

Oh. That's why I hate America right now. Tee-hee.

I'm in limbo.

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:::2003-12-06-11:01 a.m.:::

I think it's pretty absurd to keep it secret when I've already trumpeted to the whole world anyway that I loved him.

But that's what I'll do.

Because that's what has to be done.

I burned my obsession notebook just a while ago [sorry dandi, didn't get to show you] using his lighter, which is now my lighter because he gave it to me after much persuasion. I wanted to cry, but still tears wouldn't come. I just felt numb, saying goodbye over and over again in my head, without knowing whom I was saying goodbye to.

I tore the filler page by page, and watched them burn one by one. It's a beautiful thing, fire. It acts quickly, without thought, without any care. It consumes the entire page, and gives warmth, or scalding wounds, to those who come too near to it.

And when it has nothing to burn anymore, it burns itself out. Have you observed embers of fire? It's beautiful. I have a whole sheet of embers, and I watched and was fascinated. When the fire goes out, the edges of the paper becomes gray, and the grayness consumes the blackness, closing in on it. Then, when everything is gray, waves of fiery orange race across the paper in disjointed paths.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

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:::2003-12-05-7:29 p.m.:::

Today was bittersweet day. Very bittersweet.

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:::2003-12-05-7:03 p.m.:::

Alam nyo nakakatawang isipin kung paano nasasabi ko sa sarili ko na "I believe in love." Nakakatawa sya kasi sa buong buhay ko, ni wala pa yatang nagpakita sa akin o nagparamdam ng lintek na pagmamahal na yan. Ang ibig kong sabihin yung pagmamahal na tipong nakakabaliw.

Sabi pa nga minsan nung isa, "We're better off as friends." PUCHA!Kaibigan?! Sa lahat ng ginawa ko para sa kanya at sa lahat ng sinakripisyo ko, kaibigan lang pala ang habol nya sa akin. Ano ba ito lokohan lang? Pero sige, sabi ko "move on, move on."

Tapos itong isa naman sabi "Mabait lang ako sa babae kaya ako ganito sa iyo." Lalong masakit! Bakit? Hanep naman kasi. Bibisitahin ka linggo-linggo sa bahay, magiging sweet sa iyo, kakantahan ka pa, yayakapin, hahalikan at higit sa lahat sasabihing napakaganda mo at napakabait at ano ba yun 'special' girl ka sa kanya. Hindi mo aakalain na normal lang pala nyang ginagawa yun. Ikaw naman, mafofall ka, hindi mo mapigilan. Pero wala ka namang magawa. Ang sabi ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, "it's your loss, not mine."

Yung iba naman, eh di syempre manliligaw. At dahil likas akong dalagang Pilipina, papakipot muna ako. Kung kailan mo na sasagutin, saka naman hihinto. Bakit? Aakalain na hindi mo sya gusto, na pinaasa mo lang at wala kang kabalak-balak sagutin. Guys, isang advice lang, hindi naman kayo paaasahin ng mga babae kung wala silang gusto ni katiting sa inyo. Maaaring mali ako, pero karamihan sa amin, kaya pinapatagal eh dahil gutso kayong subukan kung hanggang saan ang tagal nyo at syempre kung gaano kayo kaseryoso. Yan lang naman ang drama namin, masanay na kayo. At ano naman ang sabi ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon? "Bahala ka! Marami pa naman dyang iba!" Tapos sige move on ulit.

Ito ang pamatay sa lahat. Nanligaw si lalaki, sinagot ni babae. Maganda na sana ang relationship tapos isang araw, sasabihin na lang sa iyo, "Hindi ko na kaya. Tapusin na natin ito." Iniwan ka na lang basta ng dahil sa isang dahilang hindi mo malunok, maintindihan at tanggapin. Ni hindi mo alam kung gusto mong sabunutan o suntuk-suntukin ng paulit-ulit baka sakaling matauhan at sabihin nyang, "Joke lang po." Pero hindi. Sa halip na sya ang makaramdam ng sakit ng sabunot at kirot ng suntok, ikaw pa ang halos mamatay sa triple or higit pang sakit. At ang masakit pa kinabukasan malalaman mo na ang tunay na dahilan eh, 'sila' na ng matalik mong kaibigan. PUCHA! Hindi mo alam kung iiyak ka, o sisigaw ka o susugurin mo ang your so-called "bestfriend" at isumbat sa kanya lahat ng nararamdaman mo. Sa huli, wala kang magawa kung hinde tanggapin ang lahat at maging masaya para sa kanila. May magagawa ka pa ba? Sasabihin mo naman sa sarili mo, "Makakarma rin kayo!" tapos hala, move on ulit.

Nakakapagod magmahal, totoo yan. Pero bakit pa rin ako patuloy na naghihintay? Masyado lang ba ang tiwala ko sa pag-ibig o likas na tangengot lang talaga ako. Pareho yata. Tama, oo, pareho nga. Ang lakas kasi ng tiwala ko sa 'love." Tipong kakambal ko na ba.

Masarap magmahal kahit na hindi mo alam kung mahal ka rin nya. Basta ikaw, mahal mo sya. Yun lang ang importante. Makita mo lang sya, feel mo gusto mong magpa-fiesta. Madikitan mo lang ang sinulid ng damit nya, ang sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, "Ay shet! Nadikit ako sa balat nya!" at sabay talon. Ngitian ka lang nya, pwede ka ng magpasagasa sa kotse or kahit sa LRT. Drama noh?

Paano pa kaya kung "kayo" na? Eh di mas lalong humaba ang buhok mo. Andito na yung lagi nilang sinasabing hindi ka makakain, hindi ka makatulog at hindi ka makapag-isip na kahit na ano maliban lang ang mga pantasya mo na kasama sya.

Madrama na kung sa madrama pero pag in-love, ay sus! Walang corny-corny, basta para sa kanya kahit may corn field ka na sa utak at puso mo, wala kang pakialam. Patuloy kang magmamahal at aasa na kayo na nga sana forever and ever.

Ako? Parang takot na yata akong ma-in-love ulit. Parang takot na akong sumubok pa ng isa. Parang ayoko na! Pero parang hindi tama. Ganyan naman sa 'love' diba? Sige lang, tuloy ka hangga't Makita mo ang katapat mo.

Takot man akong sumubok muli, kakayanin ko ang takot na ito. Hindi para sa akin, kundi para dun sa taong mamahalin ako ng higit pa sa kahit na ano.

Yung taong aalagaan ako, taong magsasabi na maganda ako kahit na halos lumuwa na ang mata ko sa puyat at yung taong magsasabi na "Mga 'tol, yan ang girlfriend ko. Iisa lang yan sa buhay ko." HAAAYYY!!! Sarap isipin noh?Masarap at masakit umibig. Magkakambal yan. Nasa inyo na lang kung pipiliin nyong kumapit o bumitaw.

Ngayon eto ako, umaasa pa rin. Andito pa rin ako na nagpapatuloy sa buhay, patuloy na humihinga at patuloy na nabubuhay para sa 'kanya' yung taong darating na para lang sa akin. At syempre eto pa rin ako, natatawa kapag sinasabi kong, "I believe in love." Natatawang naniniwalang totoo ito..

***

Weird. When I've let him go, i can breathe easier. It seems like I can cope with an 'unreachable' than a 'reachable but never will be'. Mas masakit yung latter. Sobrang sakit.

Yung essay na to, hindi ako yung author. Sinend lang. And eto yung nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Teka lang ha, ibbrainwash ko lang ang sarili ko.

Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier. Love should never make me happy. It should only make me happier.

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:::2003-12-05-6:53 p.m.:::

This is the end of obsession.

This is the beginning of love.

As I hugged my friend a while ago, I found myself saying good-bye, for a reason not apparent to me at that time.

And I've just realized it.

I'm saying good-bye because I'm not going to be that open to them anymore. Anything about g(x) will be kept to me and me alone.

I've also just realized that there's absolutely no hope. Just as I've said to my friends a while ago, I feel like I'm loving a brick wall.

In a sense, this is good-bye to my g(x).

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